Posted by Pascal on August 6, 2019 at 12:04
Signing up to a dating site like Vidamora is exciting. Tons of interesting people are online, some of them eager to talk to you. There’s even this one profile you really like. The two of you have common interests. You like the same movies. Heck, you even frequent the same restaurants. They’re cute too. The conversation flows well, you seem to have lots in common, and you soon realize you’re into them.
Then it happens.
If you’re lucky, they take the time to tell you they weren’t interested in pursuing things further. If you’re not as lucky, they might ghost you. Or maybe the conversation just fizzles out and they stop responding to your messages. It doesn’t really matter how or when it happens; you feel rejected. And if you really like the other person, that can hurt. A lot.
But at the same time, it’s okay. Because learning how to deal with rejection is an important part of your future success in online dating.
Let’s start by getting one thing out of the way: feeling bad is normal. Just like you, everyone is sensitive to rejection, to a certain degree.
This has deep, deep roots. In fact, it is a character trait inherited from prehistoric times. Humans have always been social creatures. Back then however, our groups used to be much smaller; so being rejected from one’s social circle meant trouble. It actually translated to a lesser chance of survival. So, we evolved mechanisms to avoid rejection. You know, that anxious feeling you have, the physical pain, the emotional uneasiness. Those were all traits humans evolved to avoid rejection. No wonder it doesn’t feel good!
Consequently, just remember if you feel hurt after a rejection, it’s okay. Know that it doesn’t make you weak or pitiful. It makes you human. And by that quality, closer to everyone else on earth.
That feeling is normal. Give yourself some time. It could take you a while, but it will pass. Get ready to move on when you feel better. Soon, you’ll be back talking to interesting and fun people. And at some point, you’ll feel ready to date again.
If someone turns you down, it can be hard not to take it personally. The one being turned down is, after all, you. You opened up to someone, told them about yourself, and they rejected you.
But did they, really?
As it turns out, not necessarily.
People on dating sites have access to thousands of potential partners. You may feel like the other person rejected you, but what if they simply chose someone else? Someone who might be their soulmate? It could have very little to do with you, and more to do with the other person’s dating preferences.
And what if they did reject you? Well, they probably based their decision on very irrelevant points anyways. Details, really. Like your hair color, the books you read, or the sports you like. That’s not what really makes you, you. You’re more than that. Someone will see it.
So, don’t take it personally. Keep your chin up, and when ready, show others who you really are.
It may not feel like it, but the person who rejected you probably did you a big favor.
Maybe they explained their decision to turn you down. Maybe you were able to guess it. Whatever the reason, is it something you could perhaps work on? If the answer is yes, use this feedback to guide you. It’s okay if you’re not ready to date right now. Just use the free time you got to work on yourself. Learn new things, meditate, work out, enjoy the outdoors, make something cool. Become the best version of yourself, and pretty soon, no one will even think of turning you down.
Not only that, but by virtue of trying, you received something else.
And that is how you learn. As with most things, you try, fail a few times, and get better. In fact, the more you fail, the faster you improve. And every failure gets you closer to your next success. So, if you were rejected by your romantic interest, congratulations. You just got better at online dating. Every time you talk to someone new, you’ll get better at it. With every new person you ask out, with every date, you’ll get to define your goals more precisely. Use this experience to get closer to finding your soulmate.
Sure, your human nature is responsible for the discomfort you feel after a rejection. But it only accounts for about half of the pain. Unless the person who turned you down is a total jerk, the other half is self-inflicted. If you want to learn how to deal with rejection, you’ll need to work on your part. There are two valuable tools you can use here.
The first one is building your self esteem. Make a list of your qualities. Talk with people who love and value who you are. You know, people who make you feel good. Realize what you can’t change (i.e. how others feel) and what you can. Work on that.
The second strategy is building resilience. Resilient people are simply better at bouncing back from rejection. Knowing that rejection is a part of life helps. So does appreciating the little things. Keep a gratitude journal. Learn from experience.
Once the grieving period is over, understand that the other person is not in charge of how you feel. You are. Looking back on your failures and painful moments, you will soon realize they taught you something valuable, brought you somewhere interesting, and made you who you are. A more experienced, wiser, and hopefully better version of yourself. Just like going to the gym is hard but good for you, implementing these strategies will pay dividends in the long run.
Remember that rejection happens. Whenever you open yourself up, you run the risk of it happening to you. But with the correct strategies in place, you can learn to deal with it while bettering yourself and connecting with your loved ones and your passions.
And the best part is that you’ll be able to gain perspective on the situation. In turn, use some of it to show empathy to the people you let down. Pay it forward. And move forward.