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Abandonment issues are really one of those things that can derail even the most promising relationships. They usually show up early on, and almost always have a harmful impact on your dating life.
If you have ever felt insecure in a relationship, afraid that someone was going to leave you, or like you might not be able to rely on your partner, you might be suffering from fear of abandonment.
And if that is your case, then you know how insecure and vulnerable it makes you feel. Which is why addressing this issue is going to be necessary if you want more peaceful, healthy relationships.
To be able to deal with your fear of abandonment, you must first go back to the root cause of that fear.
And it is very often linked to some negative event from your childhood. Be it:
If you recognize your story here, know you are not alone. Also, give yourself some grace: dealing with your fear of abandonment is a humongous task, as it is likely entangled with other forms of trauma that are just as hard to face as your abandonment issues.
Note that it is also possible that your fear of abandonment stems from your teenage years, and even adulthood. Typically:
Being anxious or nervous can happen without any fear of abandonment. Especially in the very beginning of a relationship, where everything is draped in uncertainty.
However, this initial nervousness usually dissipates as the relationship gets stronger. If you feel like the opposite is happening – that you are becoming more and more stressed out – then you might be suffering from abandonment issues.
Here are some signs to watch for:
On appearance, these signs might seem contradictory: you both cannot let someone get too close, yet you also cannot let them out of your sight for fear they might disappear.
However, these two attitudes have something in common: they are exhausting.
It is exhausting for your partner to constantly be under close watch, to be bombarded with questions and always have to reassure you that everything is honky dory in your relationship. That they love you.
And it is exhausting for you too. You are so scared of being left alone that your brain is constantly scanning the environment for threats. Why is my partner working late today? Why are they colder towards me than yesterday? Did they roll their eyes when I asked them a question?
Your body is also permanently dealing with all this anxiety. It cannot just rest and relax.
You just feel tired, mentally and physically. That is probably the biggest sign you have a fear of abandonment.
Getting over your fear of abandonment is no small task. You probably have to unravel years of trauma, deeply ingrained habits, and defense mechanisms.
But there are a few strategies you can rely on to help you on this journey:
It is pretty much a fact when you don’t feel so good about yourself, you worry that people will leave you.
The counter to that is to develop your self-esteem. When you feel like a million bucks, your fears of being abandoned will greatly diminish. Who would want to leave a million bucks?
If you are single, one of the ways to do that could be to start talking to people online. Nothing boosts your confidence like discovering other people find you interesting. On a site like Vidamora, with verified profiles, this is both safe and easy.
Register today to see if anyone catches your interest.
Having someone help you can give you insights that you would not always be able to discover on your own.
A therapist will help you uncover the root causes of your fears, and provide a safe space for you to practice building trust and healthy attachment.
With some introspection, reflexivity, and some outside help, you can often identify the situations and phrases that stress you out.
Do you feel anxious when someone takes too long to reply to your messages? When your girlfriend asks for some space? Or when your husband goes drinking with his coworkers?
Take note every time you start to feel that way, and see if there are specific situations you should be careful with.
Once you know what triggers your fear of abandonment, talk to your partner.
Try to see if there is a way to deal with those situations that satisfies both of you. It could be as simple as a quick text message to check in when your partner is out.
Learn to set expectations and boundaries. It might not feel easy – nothing is easy the first time you do it – but it will help you feel more in control.
No matter how hard you try, there will be situations that will spark your abandonment issues.
When that happens, the key will be to not let stress overwhelm you. Here are some techniques you should look into to help you:
All these strategies make a lot of sense. You might have been thinking about trying them already. Here is the catch, however: this will take a long time.
Even if you work on your issues diligently, you will see periods with little to no progress. Do not let that discourage you. You are on a self-improvement path, and like all self-improvement paths, it takes work. A lot of work.
But what you will get on the other side is incredibly worth the effort: a more relaxed mindset. A lot less anxiety in your life. Peace.
And much better relationships.
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