Posted by Pascal on February 23, 2022 at 15:23
When your ex comes back into your life long after your separation, you might feel a few ways about it:
And you know what? All these emotions are valid responses.
You might even feel a bit of each: sad, angry, happy, and curious all at once. In any case, this is not going to leave you indifferent.
But before you do anything, you most likely have quite the pressing question: “Why is he coming back now? How come?”
This is not an easy question to answer by any means, especially if you have little information to go on. However, whether you want to get a dialogue going again or ignore your ex completely, you need to understand his motives.
Only then will you be able to judge whether you really want to talk to your ex.
Being in a relationship has a ton of advantages:
The list goes on and on.
But the sad thing is that men sometimes forget about these, especially when the initial excitement and butterflies that were present at the beginning of your relationship wear off.
And so they start thinking – incorrectly, often – that they would be happier alone. Especially if you have been fighting or if they only see the downsides of being in a committed relationship. But the truth is that, in long-term relationships, you might not have all the excitement, but you have a sense of comfort and security that is proven to reduce stress and make you happier.
When your ex left you, they probably realized very quickly that their life is not as rosy and filled with excitement as they had hoped.
There is no one to come home to, no one to talk to regularly, no one to help him (and no one that he can help), no one who really knows and understands him… This might be weighing on him.
So, maybe that’s why your ex is coming back months later: he regrets leaving you.
Reason Men Come Back #2: He chose someone else then came back
If you have been separated from your ex for several months, there is a possibility that he went on dates. Maybe he even met someone else and was in a relationship with her.
But no matter what happened, he was disappointed.
There could be several reasons for that:
In all cases, the bottom line is this: the grass was not greener on the other side for him.
And it is easier for your ex to simply revisit the relationship he had with you than to be with someone else. Maybe he even thought he could “do better”, but never really found someone he clicked with.
So, now, of course, he misses you and realizes how good you were to him.
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Did your ex come back just at the time when you were starting to enjoy your life? Right when you just started talking to this cute guy you met the other day?
This might not be a coincidence.
And the short explanation is that your ex is jealous. Yes, even if he was the one who initiated the break-up!
As long as you remained single or depressed, he was not too worried. You remained connected to him and your previous relationship with him in a way.
But now that you are making steps towards a new life – a life without him – he is waking up: You are going to forge new bonds, create new memories, and remove him from the picture.
Even though your relationship is over, felt like he was part of your life. And now it is about to be relegated to just an afterthought in your mind.
He is also going to lose any hope of getting back with you if he waits too long. He realizes that he does not want to lose you forever to someone else, and cannot afford to wait.
That realization could be enough for to make a man come back into your life.
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
This sentence feels like a cliché. We accept it as just something people say to spare your feelings when they break-up with you.
But sometimes, it’s the truth.
Maybe your ex couldn’t be with you, not because he did not like you, but because he did not feel ready. His life was a mess, he had no idea what he wanted, he was not ready to be in a relationship… maybe he even felt like he did not deserve you!
So, he left.
And while he was away, he could have worked on himself. Maybe he made new friends, started a hobby, followed his passions, got some success in his life.
All that could have developed his confidence.
To the point that now, he feels good about himself. He likes the person he has become, and wants to show it to you.
That’s also why he came back after so long: this growth, this personal improvement, that takes time.
But now that he feels like someone worth dating, he is basically testing the waters with you to see if you agree.
Your break-up probably was not the best time of your life. That’s a fair assumption in a lot of cases.
But what you did after the separation is what really matters here.
Then your life probably feels a lot better now than it was when you were with this guy.
And he has noticed.
If you are really enjoying your life and seem like you are having fun, then you are a fun person to be around too. This will inevitably get your ex’s attention, and he will start to think that life with you seems really, really interesting.
That is probably why he suddenly reappears in your life months after you broke up: this is the time you needed to grow and make changes.
Now, why he could not just stand by you while you were improving is another question, and you had to ask yourself:
How you answer these questions will help you determine whether you accept your ex back into your life or if you are better off without him.
The interesting thing about perspective is that you can only gain it looking back. Clarity oftentimes come only after some time has elapsed.
When you and your ex broke up, he may not have understood what he lost at the time. Who he let go.
He might not have even been fully aware of how amazing you were when you were dating.
But now, he has had some time to digest it. To process things and look at the situation objectively. And his conclusion is simple: You were one of the best things in his life, if not the best.
The realization might have come gradually, over time.
Or it could have been abrupt. Like when his family told him that he is an idiot for letting you go and that he would be foolish to not try to try to get back with you.
In any case, he has reached the same conclusion: he wants you back into his life.
Which begs the question: Are you also ready to make up with your ex?
There are several reasons why your ex could be trying to make you jealous:
So, how does he get under you skin exactly?
By showing you how cool his new life is without you!
Depending on what he has been up to, he might burst into your life proudly telling you about his new girlfriend, the promotion he got and how much money he is making, or just to show off his body transformation and how muscular he has become.
But if you are not really interacting with him, how can he make sure that you are aware of all that?
That’s why he is suddenly back into your life.
He needs to get your attention, and the best way to do that is to get back in touch with you.
His intention might not necessarily be 100% bad. Your ex might even be trying to get you back.
But this strategy – making you jealous and getting under your skin – is, at the very least, questionable.
Radio silence and going no contact is an increasingly common way of dealing with a difficult break-up: instead of spending time and energy talking with your ex, you cut off all communications:
And certainly not replying to sms and other notifications you receive.
Instead, all your focus is on getting over your ex, improving your life, and building your life back up.
Maybe this is the strategy your ex chose to get over you.
To do that, he may have decided of a specific timeframe – from a few weeks to a few months – where he would not interact with you at all.
But now, that period might be over.
And if your ex feels comfortable enough to talk with you, if he thinks he can have a conversation without getting angry or resentful, and if he has dealt with his emotions appropriately, he might be ready to re-open the dialogue.
This explains why it takes your ex so long to reply to your messages. He has waited until the timing was right… for him, at least.
Indeed, just because he feels ready and open to talk does not mean that you are. If you need more time to grieve and process things, or if you are not interested in talking with him, feel free to let him know that.
The timing needs to be right for everyone.
If you have ever signed up for online dating as a woman, you know you can be spoiled for choice.
Guys will often contact you first. Sometimes you receive so many messages that you cannot even respond to all of them.
So it is easy to ignore these men dropping into your inbox.
Just like it is easy to ignore the random guy talking to you at the grocery store – seriously, you just want to do some shopping – or your former work colleague you barely knew from two years ago.
But you know who is harder to ignore?
Your ex. Someone you have dated for a while, who you share a connection and a history with.
And your ex is aware of that.
Now, think of your dating experience, and consider that for your ex, as a man, he is probably having the opposite experience: unless he an incredibly cool guy, he might not receive a whole lot of attention. And the women he contacts in real life might ignore you or pay him little mind.
So, how does he get this attention? Who does he contact that he knows will be more likely to react to his actions?
You, of course.
When men contact you looking for attention, they are actually looking for different things:
You have every right in the world to respond to his messages or calls. Just be aware that his intentions could be selfish and end up hurting you.
Now that you have seen several reasons your ex could be contacting you, one thing is clear: Your ex could have a wide range of motivations for doing it, and it is hard to know exactly what is going on:
So, how do you know what is going on in his mind?
You talk with him. Ask him directly what is going on.
But before that, you should keep a few rules in mind:
After doing this introspective work, if you feel ready to talk things through and see what your ex wants, then you have every right to respond. Send him a text, or two, and open the door to renewing the dialogue with him, at a rhythm you feel comfortable with.
One last thing: If you are still on the fence about replying to him when he reaches out, you can simply ask your friends and family what they think about it. If everyone is trying to dissuade you to do it – or on the contrary, if everyone seems delighted that you might reconnect with him – your decision will be much easier.
From there, you never know what the future might hold for you, so be open to any possibility.
Best of luck.