Posted by Pascal on July 8, 2021 at 18:42
Breaking up with someone is tough. And they get harder the longer you have been with a girl.
But even short-term relationships can leave you feeling gutted when they end. Especially when the break-up was not mutual.
That’s the bad news.
The good news, however, is that there are things you can do if you are unhappy with the way things are. Or in this particular case, things you can say.
Granted, if your girlfriend broke things off with you, you could be facing an uphill battle. But most separations, rather than being clear-cut and definitive, are the result of a gradual degradation of the relationship. And unless you did something irredeemable, you can reverse it. You can work towards salvaging the special bond and connection you had with your ex-girlfriend.
The following strategies are not foolproof, nor do they guarantee that you will get your ex back.
Nevertheless, if you learn from this list of things to say to your ex, your chances of success will improve.
And if you don’t necessarily learn how to get your ex-girlfriend back, you might still get something else. It could be a friendship, an appeased relationship, or even simply a cleaner, more civil separation.
That being said, there is nothing wrong in trying. So, let’s jump right into it:
If the end of your relationship was tumultuous, emotions can easily run high.
Even calm and moderate conversations can easily go down the road of assigning blame and expressing grievances for past wrongs.
This means that if you are not careful, you could easily say something that you end up regretting. Something you cannot take back. Or even something hurtful, that will make it much harder – if not downright impossible – to mend your relationship with your ex.
There are no easy fixes for this, especially if you tend to be hot-tempered.
The best way around this is to learn to recognize signs that you are about to get angry or frustrated.
And to just cut the conversation short. Not in a rude or abrupt way.
Saying something along the lines of: “Listen, I can feel this conversation is getting difficult for both of us. I don’t really like the direction it is taking right now. Why don’t we put things on ice for the moment and talk again later?”
Once you know how to keep your emotions in check it becomes easier to deal with stressful or loaded conversations.
One of the best, most effective ways to do so is to sprinkle a bit of humor once in a while.
For example, let’s say you are talking with an ex-girlfriend, and she reveals that she went paintballing or hiking with her friend, something that she always refused to do when she was dating you.
It would be very easy to get annoyed in this situation. In fact, a lot of guys would struggle to know what to say to an ex in this case. Should you ask her why she never cared enough to go with you? Bite your tongue and say nothing?
Or another example: she is asking you if you are seeing anyone, or dating a new girl. Do you take advantage of this opportunity to reveal that you only think about dating her? Or do you tell her about your new crush?
Both of these reactions would be natural, but they also very possibly could derail your conversation – fast – and put both you and your ex in a bad mood.
The better way to handle it is, you guessed it, with a light-hearted comment or a funny quip.
In the first situation, you could say something like “Well, look who’s into paintballing all of a sudden. It looks like I had a positive influence on you after all!” or “Hey! I tried to get you into hiking. How did your friend bribe you to do it? I need to know!”
And in the second instance, why not tease your ex a little bit. “I’m not getting married yet, relax!” or “Wouldn’t you like to know?” could work. Of course, you’ll need to adjust your joke to your own personality and that of your ex.
Just because your ex girlfriend decided to end your relationship does not mean that she no longer has feelings for you.
That’s the good news, if you want to win your girl back. A lot of times, the door is not completely closed.
Still, there were probably reasons why you are not together anymore. And your ex-girlfriend remembers them.
Before she can even think about taking you back, she will want to make sure you changed.
Try to think about it from her point of view. Did she call you immature? Too controlling? Or maybe she thought you were a jealous boyfriend?
If you want to know how to win her back, that’s where you should start.
Before she agrees to start seeing you again, your ex is going to test you. Even if you have common friends who can vouch for you, she will need to double-check for herself that you are, indeed, more mature, or serious, or ambitious, or whatever it is that bothered her when you were together.
She will probably try to get that info through conversations with you. The way you answer seemingly open-ended questions such as “What are you up to these days?” or “Did you end up signing for this summer class you talked about” will tell her a lot about how you live your life.
If you have correctly identified her reasons for leaving you, you will know the right answers to her questions.
She might also let it slip that she “Is going on a date next week,” or that she “Is thinking about seeing this guy Josh,” and simply see how you react.
Do you question her about her date? Beg her to give you a chance instead? Get angry?
Painful as this may be, it is your chance to show her how mature you have become. Yes, it is possible that she has moved on and does not love you anymore, but if you react with confidence and a positive attitude to her “test”, you have a great shot at impressing her.
Plus, it will help you yourself to be more relaxed about the whole deal, which will show.
If you wonder how to get a girlfriend back, here is your answer.
It has long been proven that the way we perceive an experience is greatly influenced by how it ended.
Unfortunately, if your relationship is over, the end was probably not perfect. Which is too bad, because it will taint the perception that your ex has of your whole relationship.
Now, the way to move past that is simple: reminisce together.
If you are not sure how to bring up the past without being too awkward, don’t worry. Think about the absolute best time you had with your ex. It could be anything, maybe a day-trip to the beach. Maybe it was the time you laughed uncontrollably at a restaurant. As long as it was the best, sweetest, and most memorable time.
Then ask your ex: “Hey, I was just thinking. Do you remember the time when we…”
Do not pick any random nice moment, though. Choose one of the best times you had.
Here is why:
From there, you can of course start sharing other sweet moments you had with your ex.
Do you remember how we said that your ex-girlfriend is looking for signs that you have changed?
If you want to know a way to skip her tests and really show her that, here it is:
Take ownership for the things you did wrong.
It is as simple as that. And it does not matter if you were the one who broke-up with your ex, if she hurt you first, or even if you are still hurting from something she did to you.
Before you can tell your ex you still love her, you have to learn to apologize and say sorry.
This may seem a bit over the top, especially if you don’t believe you have anything to be sorry about. And sometimes, a little bit of pride can make this decision even harder, if we are being honest.
But nothing in life is black and white. Would you believe someone who told you their divorce was all, one-hundred percent, totally their ex’s fault?
Understanding where things were wrong and taking accountability for your part in the failure of your relationship shows that you have three things:
Now, just make it short and sweet.
Say your piece, calmly and succinctly, and leave it at that. There is no need to expect an immediate reaction from your ex, nor to keep the apology going for longer than it needs to.
A common roadblock that guys face when they reach out to an ex-girlfriend is that there is no spark. If that’s happened to you, then you know how it feels hard to reconnect with your ex.
You finally find the courage to send her a message, and hope for a positive reaction like: “It’s great to hear from you!” or “I was hoping you’d contact me.”
Instead, your heart sinks when you have the following reactions:
Okay, first things first. About that fourth point: if you feel like fighting or get angry when you talk with your ex, then you simply were not ready to reach out just yet. Even if she attacks you, you want to be able to deflect through humor and project confidence.
Take some time to work on yourself, get your confidence back up, and try again later. This is the longer, harder road to take for sure, but the rewards – for yourself and your own well-being – are truly worth it.
The other three points can best be summer up into one sentence:
And that is okay too.
It may not be the most ideal scenario, but it is not too surprising either.
Let’s use an analogy here: imagine you are at a pool and invite your girlfriend to swim. She jumps in, but the water is boiling hot. Of course, she does not stick around and she leaves.
Now, what is going to happen if you ask her to jump in with you again?
That’s right. She might be quite interested, but her preservation instincts are going to urge her to be cautious. Since she has been burned before, she will probably want to be prudent. To dip her toes in first and check that the water is actually safe this time around.
What this translates to, in your case, is your ex-girlfriend not responding to texts. Or if she does, her answers seem non-committal, unenthusiastic. Like she does not really care to keep in touch with you.
But depending on how things ended with her, this behavior should be expected. Remember how we said she was going to test you? Well, that, and observe you as well.
The best way to overcome that is also the simplest: show her that the water is just fine.
More concretely, for you, it means that you need to show her that you are safe, exciting, and fun to be around. That your life is going great, and that you are making improvements to better yourself.
If she does not seem to respond immediately to your efforts, that’s fine. Keep working on yourself, with your chin up and your confidence high. That’s attractive to girls. So what if she does not reply to your latest message? You can always send her another one in a couple of weeks.
Eventually, she will take notice.