Posted by Pascal on December 8, 2021 at 15:36
Whether you did something wrong or not, it is always stressful realizing that your girlfriend is mad at you.
Your brain may even go into panic mode, thinking: “She is angry with me what should I do?” and “I know I’m supposed to say something, but what? What do I do now?”
Well, fear no more. In this article, you are going to learn everything you need about texting your girlfriend when she is mad at you – even if you are not sure why she is upset – along with examples for each scenario.
But first, let’s get one thing out of the way: your situation, no matter how unpleasant it is, it normal.
Relationships have ups and downs. Good times and bad times.
In a couple, each of you comes with his or her own experience, personality, and perspective on life. Given how no two people are exactly the same, some tension is to be expected.
Even people in healthy relationships will fight sometimes.
Especially at the beginning of a relationship, when you get to know each other.
So, when your girlfriend is mad at you, relax a little. In the majority of cases, you can work to fix whatever caused the issue, and move past it. If she is angry at you, it does not automatically mean that your relationship will end.
That being said, if you want to get her back, you will need to put in some effort.
And since texting is often going to be your best option, here are a few pointers on what to say when your girlfriend is mad at you.
Yes, it is entirely possible that your girlfriend is mad at you, and you have no clue why that is.
The likelihood of that happening is increased if you have the following factors:
It would be very reasonable if you wanted to know what really is causing the conflict.
Indeed, how can you make your girlfriend not mad at you if you have no idea why she is like that. You have to start somewhere.
But even if you have a hunch about what makes your girlfriend mad, you may want to clear things up. You want to be sure, without a shadow of a doubt, of what made your girlfriend angry. If you need to apologize, you will at least know what you are saying sorry about. It will also be easier to modify your behavior if you know what behavior you need to change, or what you should stop doing to avoid future conflict.
“What did I do wrong?”
“Why did you react this way?”
“Are you mad at me? What’s going on?”
“Why are you so angry?”
You might notice that all these texts have several things in common.
First, they are way too curt. It is extremely hard to judge someone’s intent and emotions through text. Even if you ask these questions with zero malicious intent, and even if you are genuinely curious to know what you did wrong – so you can address it and correct your behavior for next time – there is a huge likelihood of your girlfriend misunderstanding that.
Your question may be genuine and innocent, but from her point of view, that won’t be evident. She might perceive it – wrongly so – as being accusatory, or judgemental, or even patronizing.
Second, when your girlfriend is frustrated with you, she does not want to explain herself. She might not want to justify how she feels, but also, she might not even be calm enough to do so. It will be easier and less demanding for her to ignore your texts or tell you to get lost than to explain the rationale behind her reactions.
Heck, she might not even feel like she owes you any explanation.
Finally, and even if it is possible that you don’t know why she is angry, she might expect you to. At least, she’d want you to show that you have given it some thought.
If you show your hand too obviously by asking her what is wrong, you could end up frustrating her even more.
You want to avoid your girlfriend looking at your message, then sighing in frustration while putting down her phone, thinking: “This guy really does not have a clue. How can he be so oblivious?”
Now that you know what not to say, let’s have a look at a few texts you could send your girlfriend.
Rather than give a cookie-cutter list of text messages to send in all situations (those would not work; you have to adapt your messages to your situation), let’s establish a few general rules you can rely on.
As we have just discussed, you want three things:
All the while, you should not forget that your primary goal is to understand why she is mad at you.
With all this information, you might already have a few ideas on how to structure your message.
Let’s look at a few examples:
Again, these “templates” are just that. Generic guidelines. You will need to give your message a bit of thought so it is personalized and adapted to your situation. Not only will that sound better, you will also come off as more genuine.
Humor is not just a great social skill to master, it is also one of the things that women like the most in a man.
Humor helps when you get to know someone. It is a great tool when you want to flirt with a girl. Why wouldn’t it also be good for you when trying to make an angry girlfriend calm down?
Well, this is not going to sound surprising, but: it is.
If you can make your girlfriend laugh, she will feel more comfortable with the idea of talking with you. Having a chat is less scary when the tension has been relieved through some funny text messages.
You can even poke fun at yourself a little, just to show that you are not thinking too highly of yourself. That pretty much eliminates the risk of having a huge argument when you do have a chat.
Even if you are not great at it, throwing some humoristic quips and wisecracks could really help the situation. If you can make your girlfriend laugh, or at least smile, she might just start thinking: “Alright, he is a pretty cool guy after all. Let’s at least hear him out.”
Though humor can be a great asset, it is also somewhat of a double-edged sword. There is always a risk that a misunderstood joke or an awkward remark could make things worse for you.
Remember that you are going to text your girlfriend, and that text messages are prone to be misinterpreted.
So, the first thing you have to do is to make sure your jokes a straightforward.
Irony, in this situation, is not your friend.
“Come on, I bet you are ignoring me just because you’d rather watch the new season of Too Hot to Handle on Netflix.”
“I took your cat hostage. If you don’t call me back within thirty minutes, I’m throwing him out of the apartment.”
If you were talking with your girlfriend face to face, these jokes probably would go over without a hitch. You would use the correct tone of voice to make it clear that what you are saying is in jest.
However, if you re-read them, you could also see why your girlfriend might view these as offensive, threatening even. Especially if she is already hot under the collar and resentful toward you.
But at least, here, you can try to recover by explaining that you meant no harm. That is not the worst case scenario.
“Okay. It looks like you are too busy drinking to talk to me, you wino. Let’s talk tomorrow then.”
“Can you at least Facetime me? I promise I won’t make fun of your crooked tooth.”
This type of message, no matter what your intentions are, and how affectionate you think you are being, will always come off as insulting.
What’s worse if you send them, is that there will be no way to justify them or to pretend you did not mean to hurt your girlfriend.
A joke is only a joke if everyone laughs. Otherwise, it is just bullying.
So, never make your girlfriend the butt of your jokes. Especially when you are trying to get her to talk to you after a fight.
This type of mistake could cost you your relationship.
Alright, we have dwelled enough on the mistakes to avoid.
Now, let’s give you some tools so you can use humor to your advantage – without putting your relationship at risk.
Feel free to use whichever strategy you prefer, all the while, of course, adapting it to your particular relationship and the inside jokes you may have with your girlfriend already.
One of the most common humoristic processes is to take a situation you find a little funny or unusual, and blow things totally out of proportion. Eventually, you reach a point where things are so bizarre that you can’t help but laugh.
Here is how that might look:
“I missed you today so I started eating a cake to feel better. Long story short, the whole cake is gone and I still miss you. Babe, I know you’re still mad but if this goes on too long I’ll get fat. We need to make up while you still find me attractive.”
Humor is something that can be deeply personal. Not everyone will react to a joke in the same way.
But since you know your girlfriend, you have an advantage.
You will be able to craft ridiculous or funny stories that are guaranteed to get a positive reaction. After all, you know her likes, her dislikes. You also have inside jokes and references that only you and her can understand. Use what you know to remind her of what you share. You can even call back to an old anecdote you know about your girlfriend’s personal life.
For example, you could send:
“Hey, remember that bet we made on whether Tyler’s dad was rich? Well, you’ll never guess who I ran into at the Lamborghini dealership…”
These conversation starters (she is bound to wonder: “Why were you at a Lamborghini dealership??”) are great. She may not laugh out loud at everything you write, but at the very least, it will be a nice little distraction from the conflict you guys are experiencing.
While you do not want to direct your humoristic attempts at your girlfriend (that could make her even more mad than she is right now), there is usually nothing wrong if you are the target of the joke.
A little remark here and there showing that you do not take yourself too seriously – but that you do take the situation, and her anger, seriously – can alleviate your girlfriend’s worries about talking to you. She will also be less inclined to attack you and direct her full anger toward you, since you already are doing that yourself.
Going back to the previous text messages:
“I noticed you are a bit down lately. Me, I’ve been up all night worrying about what I did wrong. I’m up, you’re down. Can we talk about it?”
So there you have it. Humor can help you significantly if you learn how to use it correctly.
If you don’t feel like you have enough experience with humor, or are not totally comfortable with texting yet, that’s okay. The best way to get better at it, if you are single, is to practice messaging girls.
You can even start honing your texting skills today, by registering to a free dating site like Vidamora.
If you know why your girlfriend is mad at you, and you have the courage to say “sorry” and mean it, why not do it?
Well, have you tried sending apologetic messages like these?
If you have, then you know these don’t work.
Why is that?
Well, they are missing some key elements of good apologies. Here is a better way to say sorry, in three simple steps:
At first glance, the previous examples might look okay, but they are simply not.
They either put the blame on your girlfriend with phrases like “Sorry that you feel that way,” or they fail to acknowledge her feelings altogether.
Sure, if you meet a nice woman and that she is forgiving enough, you could still get away with a half-baked apology. But that is by far the exception, not the norm.
You may have read here and there that apologizing to your girlfriend is bad. That you should never tell her you are sorry because it gives her control over you. And that if that happens, you are taking the blame for everything.
Honestly, while there is a grain of truth to it, it is not as black and white as that.
On the one hand, there is nothing wrong with apologizing to your girlfriend. It is one of the most crucial skills you need to master if you want to reduce conflict with your significant other. In other words, you will not be ready for a serious relationship if you don’t know how to say “sorry”.
Nonetheless, it is true that you can overdo it.
Saying “sorry” over and over again will probably weaken your girlfriend’s perception of you. She most likely wants her partner to be her equal, and not some overly deferent boyfriend in an inferior position.
If you are worried that will happen, try to reframe step 3 to be on your terms.
So, instead of saying: “What can I do to fix things?” try saying “Let me make it up to you.”
Even better if you can come up with specific actions, like “Next time I’ll check in with you more often,” “I’m going to cancel Friday’s hangout with Steve, so we can do something if you want,” or “I will ask my boss for a day off next Sunday. Does that sound good?”
You know, address whatever made your girlfriend angry against you, and offer a resolution that suits both of you.
Okay, we now have looked at what to do when you have no idea why your girlfriend is angry.
You also have a few ways to text her when you want to say sorry and offer a way out of the fight. Those are useful to get a dialogue going again.
But what if you genuinely believe you did nothing wrong, and yet your girlfriend still seems to hold a grudge against you?
You can’t really apologize if you don’t know what you are apologizing for.
It is impossible to reconcile if there is nothing to reconcile about.
And you would be ill-advised to beg for attention and forgiveness when you are above reproach. That could potentially affect the equilibrium of your relationship, putting you and your girlfriend on unequal footing.
So, what now?
Whether you genuinely believe you have nothing to be sorry about, or that her reaction is disproportionate, your response should always follow the same 6 steps.
Heck, your girlfriend might not even be angry against you, and the same strategy still would apply.
The rule of thumb when your girlfriend is angry or frustrated, is that her feelings are valid.
Sure, that might not be how you would react in a similar situation, and you may feel her reaction is extreme. But she is simply feeling that way, not choosing to feel that way.
So, that’s valid.
Acknowledging your girlfriend’s feelings does not have to be a grand affair, nor is it complicated. It is just a part of being a loving and caring boyfriend.
“I know you are upset…”
“I’ve noticed you seem frustrated with something…”
“I’m worried that you are not your usual cheery self these days…”
And that pretty much does it.
Keep in mind that you are simply showing some empathy, not taking the blame yourself.
When something is frustrating and we have not taken the time to gain some perspective on it, sometimes all that is necessary to fix things is to sleep on it.
Your girlfriend is mad at you right now, but tomorrow she might feel different.
Some time to clear her head and realize that, after all, she is not angry enough to jeopardize her relationship with you might really be all she needs.
So, give your girlfriend some space to think with a little nudge like these:
“How about we leave it for now…”
“I’ll give you some time if you need…”
“Let’s talk about it tomorrow when we are both a bit more rested…”
If you have read this whole article, it is pretty clear you are looking for solutions to the conflict you are experiencing.
You probably hope for a full reconciliation or to get back to the way things were before your girlfriend got mad at you.
If that is your case, tell that to your girlfriend.
She needs to know that if she reaches out to you, you will not hold her fit against her. That you will welcome a conversation with her and that, above all, you want to get back to your relationship.
Show her that it’s not about being wrong or right, and that you will not be asking for some form of “compensation” or apology from her:
“Right now might not be the best time for you to talk to me, but when you are ready, I’d love it…”
“Whenever you want to chat or talk things out, just let me know…”
“I hope we can go back to the way things were. Let me know when you want to talk…”
“I’m ready to work on this relationship. I hope that can happen…”
This is a very human thing to do: you still have no news from your girlfriend after a few days, or all your exchanges are short and abrupt.
That is painful when you care about your girlfriend.
And since you have no clear idea of what is going on in her mind, you want to know at least when she will agree to see you. Or if there is any way to talk face to face. Or at least have a phone call. Maybe if you just said sorry…
Don’t send her that text message, no matter how much you want to.
Looking too eager and too willing to crawl through broken glass just to talk to your girlfriend, that will not incite her to take a step toward you. After all, you are always going to be there for her, so she can take her time.
So, try not to concern yourself too much with what she is thinking.
The ball is in her court, now it is up to her to contact you.
Now that you have clearly stated where you stand and how you feel, what do you do? Should you spend your time waiting by the phone, hoping for the notification that she finally sent you a text?
Of course, no.
There are many other uses you can make of your time, and none of them require you to put your life on hold.
You could start by taking a walk in nature, or do some sport. That will do wonders for your mental health and well-being.
Also beneficial for you is spending time with people who care about you. Family or friends, all those meaningful relationships that you may have neglected in the past.
Finally, if you have things you enjoy doing, do them.
If you get invited to try some new activity, accept.
No need to keep your whole schedule open just in case she wants to see you last minute.
Whenever you read that the “ball is in her court” and that you should wait until she contacts you to sort things out, the natural objection will be: what if that never happens?
It does not matter how angry your girlfriend is, as long as you care about the relationship, you will be tempted to text her. Just one more message, you know, to see how things are going and if she needs more time.
But that is counterproductive.
Doubly so, in fact, as it will probably not make your girlfriend change her mind – the opposite could happen – and you will waste some precious time.
Time that you could be using to work on yourself.
To enjoy your own life and take care of your own needs.
Maybe even, to meet new people.
All this to say that sometimes things do not work out, but that should not keep you from living your life.
Maybe the reason your girlfriend got mad at you so quickly is that she secretly was done with the relationship. Or she was not happy with her couple, and lashing out was her way of ending things, as muddy as it is.
For you, that will be painful.
But at some point, the decision you have to make will not be: “Should I text her again?” but “Am I ready to move on?”
When you decide that you are ready to do so, just know this: it will not be easy. It is not going to be pleasant. But it will definitely be worth it.
Because the relationship you had with your girlfriend may have not turned out the way you wanted, but the pain gets better with time. And the relationship you have with yourself is precious, and worth being taken care of.